The emotional return of a beloved dress
A tale of two sisters, a favored outfit, and continuing grief
None of my children are exactly alike, and I like it that way. Each has an individual, vibrant personality; while one might like theater, another favors video games.
Siblings, whether they share the same DNA or not, are not carbon copies of one another. So even though I enjoyed buying matching clothes for Austen, my 9-year-old who passed away from complications of Dravet syndrome, and her slightly younger sister Grace, I didn’t think too much about it if I could only find one item in a particular style. Surely one of the girls would like it more than the other, and that would be that.
That was the case for most of the items in their closet — until I bought one particular dress.
The orange-smocked dress in question had horses on it. As Grace has always been a horse lover, I bought it with her in mind. But when Austen saw it, she loved it, too. And that set up a weekly argument over who got to wear the dress each Sunday to church. I even had to keep a tally on my phone to make sure I remembered who’d worn it last so that I could keep things fair.
The dress was put away last spring, along with all the girls’ other winter things, and brought back out in fall. I thought for sure Grace would take to wearing the dress every weekend since it somehow still fit and had been such a favorite the past year. But it sat untouched in her closet for months, unselected until a recent weekend.
A turning point
We have a Saturday evening tradition in our family. Everyone picks out the clothes they want to wear to church the following day, and they’re ironed that evening so the next morning isn’t rushed. When Grace placed the orange horse dress on the back of the sofa, I felt like a stone were caught in my throat.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want her wearing the dress, but seeing it there was emotional. Maybe it’s because I’ve wondered if Grace’s grief is why she hadn’t worn it in all these months. Or maybe I was just hit with a sudden realization that there’d be no argument over her choosing to wear it this time. She could simply wear it whenever she wanted, no schedule necessary.
You’d think that a loved one passing away would be a singular act or moment in your life, but that’s not the case. Actually, I’ve found that Austen has passed away hundreds, if not thousands, of times in the nine months since that fateful day. It happens over and over again in every “first” without her, and in many of the “seconds” and “thirds” as well.
Rabbi and author Earl Grollman once said, “Grief is not a disorder, a disease, or a sign of weakness. It is an emotional, physical, and spiritual necessity, the price you pay for love. The only cure for grief is to grieve.”
And for that reason, I hope Grace takes the orange horse dress out of her closet again and again — both for her path to healing and for mine.
Note: Dravet Syndrome News is strictly a news and information website about the disease. It does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something you have read on this website. The opinions expressed in this column are not those of Dravet Syndrome News or its parent company, Bionews, and are intended to spark discussion about issues pertaining to Dravet syndrome.
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