After a tragedy, I’m trying to restore the magic of Halloween for my children

Halloween was my favorite holiday when I was a child. My grandparents threw a big party every year for their friends and family — with music, food, and games like horseshoes and pool. We would all dress up, run around like maniacs on sugar rushes, and end the night with a spooky hayride to the cemetery, where my older cousins and their friends would hide in the woods and jump out to scare us.

I looked forward to that night every year. It was so magical.

But then, when I was 9, one of my dearest friends passed away tragically. His funeral was held on Halloween of that year, so my grandparents canceled the party and never had another one.

Regaining the magic

I don’t remember celebrating Halloween again until I had my oldest daughter, Addi. I might have dressed up for school or work, but we didn’t really do anything beyond that. Magic had mingled with grief, and it seemed to leave a bad taste in all of our mouths.

In my children’s eyes, though, Halloween managed to regain its sparkle. My daughter Austen especially loved to dress up, and I will never forget the infamous pink dinosaur costume she wore until it just about started falling apart.

On her last Halloween, she went as Shania Twain, clad in a black dress and white button-down shirt, top hat, and red lipstick. She announced, “Man, I feel like a woman!” to anyone who crossed her path.

Over the years, we developed our own traditions for the holiday. When we lived in Colorado, we attended the Boo at the Zoo event at the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo each year until the COVID-19 pandemic happened. And on Halloween night, we would go to IHOP, followed by trick-or-treating, if the weather permitted. On the years it snowed, we’d dump candy on the living room floor for the kids to gather up a la Hungry Hungry Hippos. The night always ended with belly laughs and me going around collecting a “candy tax” from everyone’s bags. After we moved back to Texas, we started new traditions like pumpkin-carving night and going to the Halloween events our town hosts on the square.

Sometimes Austen’s seizures tried to derail our plans, but even with all the twists and turns Dravet syndrome threw our way, we managed to make Halloween happen.

Bringing back an old tradition

And then we lost Austen. And the one thing I have said from the beginning was that I didn’t want my grief to affect my other children’s childhood memories. I wanted holidays to stay just as magical, if not more, than they had been before Austen died.

This year, I am bringing back a tradition from my own childhood: the Halloween party. We’re throwing it in our backyard and inviting all our friends and family. The house is already decked out with paper chains and tacky faux cobwebs. There is a skeleton on the front porch bench, ghosts hanging from the trees, and a foam graveyard will be set up soon. A Halloween movie will play on a projector screen, and there will be pizza, treats such as bloody Shirley Temples, and a skeleton charcuterie board. The night will end in a spooky hayride, just like when I was a kid. Addi is already recruiting her friends to hide in the woods to scare her siblings and their friends.

I could easily hide myself in my room and simply trudge through the holidays that Austen once loved so much. But I’ve lost the joy in them before, and I don’t want to pass along that feeling to my other children. They deserve to experience the holidays in a way that’s just as magical as when Austen was here to celebrate with us. And so do I.

It hasn’t been an easy time for me. I find myself looking at old photos and crying often. But I’m also grateful for the memories I made with Austen while she was alive, and I’m grateful for the tug I feel to continue making memories with the children I still have with me. Austen would want that, and I’m sure she’ll be celebrating Halloween in heaven with her grandfathers and her Uncle Jerry, who will never tell her it’s time to stop eating candy.

If I had to guess, she’s probably found another pink dinosaur costume to make her celebration complete.

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